By Kathleen Leppek

As an Interior Designer in the construction industry, I worked on large commercial projects and I learned the importance of working alongside others in the art of negotiation. We all had different goals to do our part for the project and to the planned finish for the client. We all saw our own part at the top of the priority list but, sometimes that conflicted with other viewpoints, plans and budgets. We had to work things out, opposing sides, coming to solutions that worked for all involved including the intent of the project.

I came to a new realization the other day, like another layer of the onion being peeled and something suddenly makes sense at a deeper level. I realized negotiation isn’t just about finding cooperation, collaboration and coordination with team members at work. It applies to family, friends and the customer service rep on the phone. I realized part of the root problem of why my heart senses an imbalance over a couple relationships, is because a line was drawn. A block formed. Negotiation stopped. One or both sides didn’t want a solution. Instead, a division was drawn. Listening and communication stopped. Opinion ruled. (Maybe even contempt and criticism ruled.) Each of the individual’s sense of rightness ruled; that was what was on the surface. When I looked deeper, I saw a long succession of grievance I had, bubble up. These were not healthy relationships and situations in the relationships were not balanced in respectful relating.

But, how does one move forward without both parties feeling rejected?  Just like in a work relationship, compromise needs to be found without disrespecting the ideas brought forward by both parties. The relationship needs to be looked at in a practical way. What can be compromised on both sides so that connection and communication can lead the way to a living solution for both parties. What behaviors need to end and what behaviors need to be reinforced? What can both parties be flexible about to bring the relationship together in healthy balance? Where do both parties need a shared understanding to move forward? How can both parties willingly participate with patience, listening and speaking that is respectful? Can there be an understanding that both confrontation and avoidance are not healthfully relating? It’s not about winning but, finding a space of acceptance and having the willingness to work together and go forward. It is possibly that one or both parties are lost in patterns long established from past relationships with parents, siblings, spouses and other friendships?

Can the relationship be salvaged because both parties care or is it best to move apart because boundaries have been broken and there is an unwillingness on one side or the other to find a way forward? 

I also realized, there are so many other relationships that have rough spots but, with a wink and a smile, we move forward as if to say, “That was my moment of frustration. We got each other.  I meant no harm. I figured it out in myself. Let’s respect, accept and appreciate each other in healthy relating,” and we do because we feel in our heart of hearts, a warm acceptance of each other.

Our life situations are a learning experience to get better at connecting with each other in healthy relating. In any relationship, we are both part of the problem and part of the solution and with awareness of our experiences, positive and negative, we garner a better way forward. Through life experience, I have learned to tread lightly and carry a big heart.  I make amends within myself to not make the same mistakes. I can carry more power because I won’t misuse it. I know better.  I can move forward without expectations on another because I can do my best moving forward regardless. I can accept where people are at and trust they will figure it out within themselves and develop in a healthy way. I will listen, observe, feel with my senses and expand with acceptance and the guidance of my heart. We are one through our collective heart and we can rise through our awareness with our care for each other while sharing that care moment to moment in our everyday life.

Happiness, not in another place, but this place…not for another hour, but this hour. – Walt Whitman