By Linda Caldean

My face is pressed up against the glass,

looking out at the world with longing.

I see all the joy and laughter,

and I know the hurt and pain.

All of my senses cry out to be a part of this world,

but my heart won’t respond.

Oh how I long to share in the joy and laughter,

but I cannot accept the hurt and pain.

My body presses against the glass,

trying to be a part of that world, even if only for a moment.

But all I feel is the cold, hard surface,

and realize my lonely isolation.

An inner voice assures me that I am safe and protected

behind these walls, there is no need for more.

Yet I struggle with the illusions of this world I’ve lived in for so

long, and fight with my emotions

crying out to be freed.

These fears have imprisoned my soul

as they coil around me like a hundred snakes,

squeezing me, choking me.

I am paralyzed by their grip,

and have become wary of their bite.

My heart lies shielded by these fears,

leaving a cold, unbearable emptiness.

Is it me?

For I know that within my heart lies the key to my soul,

and within my soul is the essence of my being.

How my spirit aches with the chance

of feeling again, and of loving again.

I cry a river of tears for what I’ve lost,

and feel a mournful pain for what I never had.

The glass reflects my struggle as I raise my arms up

to shield and protect myself from the enemy.

Yet I see no other image in the glass,

as I realize this enemy is of my own creation.

Is it my fear dwelling within me, and thriving on my confusion?

This enemy called fear has kept me in a non-feeling prison

of my own making, filled with sadness.

It is time to acknowledge this fear, and as I do,

my arms fall slowly in surrender,

allowing the flow of life and love once again.

I feel a new warmth and joy singing in my heart,

and my body tingles with the strength of it.

Joyful tears flow freely now, cleansing and healing me,

washing the walls away, and leaving

a wide open space of new beginnings.

Reflections on Glass Walls:

I recently came across this essay which I had written over 32 years ago. Re-reading it made me realize how much I’ve grown and discovered new parts of myself. I guess you could say I’ve been a work in progress, striving to peel back layer after layer through the years.

Franklin D. Roosevelt famously said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  So true, as it certainly can hijack aspects of your life.

Like most of you, I’ve had varying levels of fear in my lifetime. Some of it intense and some very subtle, lying just below the surface. I came to realize that my ego creates fear as a way to protect me. How does that work for me? Not so well. As you can see in my essay, I was lulled into a state of inertia, hiding behind my glass walls, fooled into thinking I needed to be there in order to be safe. From what? Fear itself? Avoiding it only made it worse.

How did I start to heal? First by summoning the courage to find the fear and bring it forward. By naming it. I was able to diminish its power and control over me. Next, I pondered specific thoughts and feelings related to the fear of opening my heart, of feeling again. This enabled me to identify the main triggers causing me to withdraw and protect myself. I needed to shift my brain from panic to one of problem solving.

Little by little I was able to recognize and embrace possible solutions. Taking action – and it can be baby steps, empowered me to start moving forward and grow from the experience.

I needed to be okay with the mistakes I made along the way, and just kept trying, patting myself on the back for any progress I made.

I have come to realize that fear is certainly highly over-rated. So, jump in, what have you got to lose? Confronting a fear and mastering it, will shift the energy and open a whole new world of possibilities.