By Linda Caldean, RN

“Grief is an intensely personal process that has touched most of us in one way or another during our lives. It is a difficult journey that seems to have no boundaries or guarantees. While in the throes of grief, life seems out of balance, and in a sense, we lose our way. It is challenging at times to understand, or even express the turbulent storm within, and this can be a very lonely place to be.

In the very depths of grief, there can be pain, anger, confusion, and so much more. All are an integral part of the whole process, not to be buried, but instead be allowed to ebb and flow. These countless thoughts and feelings can arise day-to-day or moment-to-moment in no rational order. They defy explanation. There is no need to figure them out.

One must come to realize how important it is to take the journey, allowing the grief to move through us in its own mode of expression. For it is in this free movement, the ebb and flow, that true healing can occur. We can learn how to accept and honor our grief by not judging or denying it, and in the process, hope is slowly restored as one realizes that they will survive.”

This was written by me a few years ago as a forward for a book of poetry called Grief Rain. At the time it was my perception of grief, which is so difficult to define. My friend was coping with the loss of a family member, and had written the book as a way to express her grief and honor her loved one.

Grief occurs for many reasons. The loss of a spouse, a relationship, or family member, a job, a pet or even a body part. And so much more. There is no cookie cutter approach or length of time one should grieve, but for most, the intense feelings should begin to ease within a few months. Symptoms will typically become low and stable as you heal. Memories that arise will be bitter-sweet, a sadness that is manageable.

If your ability to live daily life becomes disrupted or stuck, that is a sign you may need additional help. It’s important not to ignore your grief or try to “tough it out.” The grieving process requires attention, self-care and support.

Sometimes there are different levels of grief. I remember my grief as a mixture of sadness and stoicism along with many tears during the several months that my mom was dying of cancer. It was all mixed together as I was trying to play the difficult role of caregiver. And when she passed, I moved into another more intense level of grief, feeling discombobulated, and struggling to go through each day with such underlying sadness. My grief was especially challenging as I was in nursing school, and many times I had to set my feelings aside as they arose. But with time it did become easier as I persisted by moving forward, staying in routine, and finding a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. I slowly healed with each passing day. It prepared me for other losses that I would endure in this lifetime, some more intense than others. I am richer in spirit because of those who were a part of my life, and so blessed for having loved them.

In a recent article by Dr. Joseph Mercola, he cited research data by scientists who tracked 1,735 bereaved relatives for a decade. The results were published in “Frontiers in Public Health.” In summary, it showed that those who experienced persistent “Intense Grief,” were two times as likely to suffer long-term health issues which doubled the risk of death over a 10-year period. Unresolved grief can cause self-care to just slip away. The body begins to suffer from elevated stress hormones, a weakened immune system, disrupted sleep, along with anxiety and depression. If this is the case, remember you are not alone, it’s important to reach out.

Grief will touch every part of your life, but it need not control your future. It’s important to keep moving forward and to take steps that can relieve the burden. What works for you may not always work for another. Your grieving process is unique to you. 

Suggested steps towards healing and moving forward:

• Your grief journey is yours and yours alone. Your feelings are valid, don’t judge them. 
• Support your mind and body through exercise, such as a daily walk or structured workouts. Meditation, Yoga and Tai chi are also powerful tools that help bring calm and balance.
• Healthy nutrient-rich diet. What you eat affects how you feel. A good diet helps balance your brain chemistry and makes it easier to process loss. 
• Establish a good sleep routine. Poor sleep habits will only magnify your grief and drain your energy. 
• Explore Emotional Freedom Techniques. (EFT) Tapping with your fingertips on specific points on your body, can help balance your energy field and release stuck emotions.  (Or work with an experienced EFT practitioner who can give you extra guidance).
• Reiki and Healing Touch are other alternatives that can be calming and help you release stuck emotions.
• Engage. Grief can mask underlying depression. If you find that you are not coping with daily life or self-isolating, reach out and connect. It can be a friend, grief support group, or even a therapist.
• Establish a daily routine and mix it up at times to support your needs. This gives you a purpose to get out of bed in the morning.
• Journal your thoughts and feelings. This helps them from getting “stuck,” and enables you to gain new perspectives and understanding.

In closing, perhaps consider this to be your grief mantra as quoted by Dr Mercola:

 “Healing isn’t about erasing the memory of someone you lost, it’s about creating space for Life again.”