the traumatic side effect of cancer no one warns you about.

By Linda Caldean, RN

October is breast cancer awareness month, a time to renew, support and encourage women to get screened. Screening saves lives as 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with breast cancer. It was during this month that an a.m. news show featured a psychologist who spoke about “Cancer Ghosting” and interacted with members of the audience who shared their experiences. I was intrigued and rather dismayed by their stories and wanted to learn more.

A cancer diagnosis, whether it’s breast or another type, is a shock to everyone, and a time when support is needed the most. But sometimes those whom you feel should be there for you don’t come through. This common phenomenon is known as “Cancer Ghosting.”  In other words, certain friends and or family members abruptly cut off all contact with you when they learn of your cancer diagnosis. They just literally disappear.

This can leave you feeling abandoned, hurt, angry, and confused. The silence can make you feel like a burden and responsible somehow for your own disease. Studies have shown that up to 65% of cancer patients experience ghosting to some level, either immediately, or somewhere along the cancer journey of surgery, recovery and treatment. Cancer is funny that way, it has a strange tendency to reveal who is part of your support system, and who is not.

Did I experience Cancer Ghosting during my breast cancer journey? Yes, but to a minor degree. I remember feeling hurt and disappointed in some people that I’d known for a long time who knew of my diagnosis but made no contact with me prior to my surgery, or during recovery. I did not dwell on it for long, but instead chose to let it go as I came to realize it was THEIR problem, not mine. My focus needed to be on getting well and thriving. I was thankful and appreciative of family and friends who did come through for me, as I felt truly loved and cared about.

Why do people ghost?

The reasons behind ghosting are complicated, and could possibly lie in the fact that cancer is still a stigmatized and taboo disease…one that can bring up a lot of fear. Many of us probably fit into one or more of the categories below. Are you able to set it aside and step up to the plate?

• People may be worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting you. So, they say nothing at all. This is called the “Conspiracy of Silence”. 
• It’s hard to see someone you care about so sick, a distressing reminder of human fragility and mortality. 
• A fear of losing you, or a painful reminder of someone with cancer they’ve lost in the past. 
• Their mental health is fragile and taking on more is too much to handle. 
• People are afraid, and unsure how to help, so they do nothing at all. They may feel guilty and will make excuses for their behavior. 
• A person may be experiencing trauma or a rough patch in their life and thus cannot provide support to anyone else. 
• People may feel guilty about living a happy life while you are suffering. 
• Perhaps you might have over-calculated your significance to the ghost. The relationship is not what you thought it was.

All of this taps into the vulnerability of people in general. The overall theme is FEAR and they are just trying to protect themselves. Human nature is geared to fight or run when things get hard, and over 65% will run.

Here are some Healthy Responses to Cancer Ghosting. How to move beyond it and not become a victim to it:

• It’s okay to share your cancer journey with them if possible. Tell it like it is so they can understand. 
• Sometimes the people who show up for you are the people you would least expect. You find out who will be there for you and who won’t. 
• Sometimes there is burnout of supportive friends and family when your needs become more intense in depth and frequency. They may need a respite for emotional self-preservation. Try to be understanding and reach out to others. 
• You will make new friends. Cancer introduces you to a whole tribe of supporters, of fellow cancer patients, and a community like no other. You have a right to be accepted as you are, cancer baggage and all. 
• Invest your time and emotional self in people who show up for you, no matter what. Let go of the drama of “no show” friends and don’t waste precious energy on them.
• It’s okay to protect yourself and prioritize your own well-being. 
• Reframe the situation by acknowledging that the person or persons who have ghosted you are unable to provide what you need. 
• Sit with your feelings as you are entitled to them. Let them go by writing a letter to the person who ghosted you. (A letter you may or may not send.) Will this person continue to matter to you, or is it time to let them go? 
• If the relationship means a lot to you, and you want to reconnect, it’s okay to reach out when you feel strong enough. It is possible they won’t respond, but if they do, be honest and set boundaries that honor your needs. 
• Don’t withdraw and isolate yourself as a way to shield or protect others from your trauma. But instead reach out to the people who matter, who you know care about you. 
• It’s okay to forgive.

How can I support someone on their cancer journey?  Here are some suggestions:

For those with breast cancer: Loan or purchase comfy clothes, especially tops and PJs that button or zip up.

• Mastectomy Pillow for arm support and chest comfort or single arm support pillows.
• Drain holder (Kili brand is an inexpensive option) or make one by following a YouTube tutorial.
• Seat belt protective pillow.
• Lanyard to clip drains to while showering.

Other ideas:

• Provide a meal or form a meal train with friends.      (mealtrain.com)                    
• Food gift card.
• Protein smoothie mixes. 
• Offer to help with household chores or enlist a cleaning service.
• Assist with child care.
• Run errands.
• Offer transportation to appointments. 
• Assist with gardening needs.
• Walk the dog.
• Offer to accompany on a walk, or take for a drive.
• Send an uplifting or humorous email, text or card.
• Offer to help with communication to others.
• Be present and listen. Offer words of encouragement. 
• Share info about local resources that can help. 
• Set up a help calendar.      (lotsahelpinghands.com)                                         

Kind words and simple gestures of support are all that is needed. So, step outside your comfort zone, and lead with your heart. It will truly make a difference at a time when it is needed the most.