by Tia Richardson

All of us at some point have probably asked ourselves the question – why am I here? Our ancestors have dealt with challenges throughout history no matter which cultural group we come from.        We’re all faced with reconciling with the wounds of the past and the effects it still has today on our individual and collective psyches. One question I’ve asked myself is, if my African ancestors were brought here against their will, does that mean my life on this land has no meaning? Do I not belong? Am I forever resigned to exist in a state of limbo, where my potential cannot be reached because of the fact of systemic racism today?

There’s no one size fits all, although that’d be nice. Here’s a little of what worked and what didn’t for me. I hope my own journey can shed light for others on theirs.

To start, I grew up around a common idea that racial healing has to be done collectively first, in order for an individual in a group to heal from the wounds experienced by their group. Luckily it doesn’t work that way, and I’m glad. Here’s why.

Let’s go back in time. It’s the late ‘aughts and I’m in my early 20’s, working with different healing groups. One focuses on racial reconciliation. I’m learning about internalized oppression, or the idea of how people in marginalized groups adapt in unhealthy ways to oppression.

The term ‘micro-aggression’ is new. It’s gaining momentum, shedding light on ways marginalized people can feel de-humanized in everyday interactions. For example, for many black people, having our hair touched without permission by a curious stranger. A friend gave me some little cards with common microaggressions on them to give to someone whenever I experienced one.

The idea was, they could educate themselves if they wanted, so we wouldn’t have to explain to someone why their behavior is making us unhappy. At first, it feels like a superpower of freedom is unlocked, because I can hand one out and just walk away.

I realized after doing this several times to white friends and associates I felt worse because I am cutting myself off emotionally from people I do care about. It hurt and I didn’t realize it until later.

The principle ‘Energy follows thought’ proved true. The more I looked, the more micro-aggressions I saw. I felt increasingly isolated – until it dawned on me. I was beginning to lose my sense of self.

The spark of joy I had since childhood that motivated me to want to create art – my lifeline – was changing into something I never wanted to be. I felt jaded and bitter. If I didn’t DO something I felt like I risked cutting myself off somehow from my own potential.

I decided enough was enough. I needed to try something different. But what? Being angry at life wasn’t working for me. I

didn’t have answers, but I knew I needed to keep an open mind. So, I put all that on a little shelf in my mind until I could consciously figure it out.

That opened my mind to new potentials for discovery. I discovered I had a choice, and by choosing to live, I found my purpose.

This is why every individual has to reconcile with it in their own way. If we try to assume the collective attitude, we’ll find it just comes from a survival program meant to keep the group alive. The downside to accepting collective attitudes is not realizing we can choose something better as individuals without sacrificing our birthright of belonging and sense of who we are.

If I bought into that idea, then I could not fully claim my power. If we limit our potential to factors beyond our control, that’s a choice. The problem for me was I didn’t know that was my choice. I felt victimized by life and helpless.

If we look closer at those attitudes and ask whether they really work for us, we can start adopting new attitudes that help us move forward in life. Then we get to choose what works for us and what doesn’t. Doing that takes having an open mind to embracing new things, which can be scary without support if it means going against our own cultural norms. Doors opened when I said ‘yes’ to things I wouldn’t have otherwise.

The way I found that works for me is when I’m interacting with a white person or anyone from a different cultural group is to first, see them as a human being. Second, I see their cultural background, and third, how they express themselves – for example, their gender identity, and so on. This helps me be much more present and connected in the moment and relate to people as people. It reminds me we all care about the same things in life. Someone can be having a hard day like I do sometimes and I can feel compassion for them. We get along better. It works!

I’ve had the chance to work with so many different people from all walks of life through community art. It’s surprised me to discover – I do care. White people can care. Realizing I was cutting myself off from my true nature – that I care – helped me feel better, more connected, and heal my sense of irritation, isolation and frustration.

A part of healing, I discovered, is getting back in touch with our essential nature as human beings. Such as our goodwill, that part of us that wants to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, be accepted and express our caring. It’s that part of us that recognizes we’re all connected in a mutual web of destiny. We’re all one human family, interconnected, woven in different strands, different threads of color, spun from the same cloth. We make a garment of beautiful design, one woven in time, a design of our choosing, collectively imagined. Together, we are more beautiful. We make Sanat Kumara proud.